Old Fart

I meet a lot of interesting people every day. So I have had a lot of interesting experiences. Some are crazy, others are scary, and some are just funny.  The other day we contacted this old man on the street. He either called us "Bible bumpers" or "Bible humpers". Both of which indicate that he is not interested.   So we start to ask him if he know anyone in the area that could use any help or service. He goes on to tell us about one of his friends who is too indipendent to accept help. As he does so, he starts to fart every step he takes..   Two things factor in:  He is old and can't hear, so he probably thinks they are silent.  And, he is old and can't control his bowels.  But he just continues to talk like nothing is happening, and I am trying SO hard not to  bust up laughing.  Elder Tieken turns to me and starts to smile and I have to turn around at this point because I cant hide it anymore and tears are coming to my eyes.  When he finally leaves, we both took a moment to relieve our laughter, and get back to contacting.  All in a days work as a Missionary in the Canada Winipeg mission.

Watch This Guy!

I hate driving in Canada! All these Canadians are too 'brave'! The pedestrans dont follow the same rule we do in America, where, if something is Bigger, Stronger, and Faster than you, you GET OUT THE WAY STUPID! I guess they've never heard that one.

It doesnt help that Elder Tieken uses vague, unidentifiable phrases like, "Watch this guy."

I was driving down the road about 60ks an hour, and it was pitch black and all I could see were the bright headlights of the cars going the opposit way. Then all of the sudden, Elder Tieken sits up straight in his seat and says "Watch this guy". The way he said it, I thought he meant that the car in front of us was about to do something interesting.. So I watched.

Then he said it louder "Watch this guy!" But I WAS watching, and nothing was happening.

"Watch him, watch him!"

"What!?" I finally yell. He wasnt doing anything!

"STOP!"

That one I understood. I slammed on the breaks a stopped right as this fat Canadian walked in front of my car, not even flinching or missing a step. I almost killed him! All because Elder Tieken told me to "Watch this guy"...

Turns out they always walk in front of cars... They just assume the driver will stop...

Idiots.

Canadian 101

Although it is wildly thought that "Canadian" and "English" are the same language, there are some differences in the most basic forms of communication. Here is a guide that will help you understand any foreigners you may come across.

~Words and Definitions~

Supper - NOUN: A meal that is eaten at the end of the day. takes place after dinner.

Dinner - NOUN: The meal between breakfast and supper.

Lunch - ...?

Washroom - NOUN: A place to relieve one's waist, similar to the American "Bathroom".

Phone - VERB: The act of communicating with someone on a telephonic device. "I'll phone you later." Tenses; Phone, Phoning, Phoned.

Call - VERB: The act of visiting or re-visiting someones home. "You can call back next week." Tenses; Call, Calling, Called.

Yous - PRONOUN: The plural form of the word 'You'. "Where are yous headed this evening?"

Eh? - ???: A meaningless statement added to the end of a sentence to either indicate that you are asking a question or that you are waiting for input. A slang form of the word, "Hey?", is comonly used with the younger generation to show their defiance and deviance from their parents. Unfortunately the difference in pronunciation is negligable.


~Grammer~

Vowels are: A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes G, Like in Flag, Bag, Tag, and Rag. The G will make the normaly, soft 'a' a hard 'A'.

Foreign words (especially Spanish) are ALWAYS pronounce phonetically. Exp. 'Jealopeno' = 'Ja-la-pen-no', 'Pasta' = 'P-Ah-sta'

As a rule of thumb, the letter 'O' is always pronounce different than the american 'O' in a fetal attempt to further distance themselves from their (American) culture.


Follow this guide, and the next time you meet a Canadian, you should be able to communicate well enough to send them back to Canada.

I Swallowed a Fly

There once was a missionary who swallowed a fly.

I don't know why he swallowed a fly... I guess he'll die.

MTC Banana

When Sister Horning found out you could take fruit out of the MTC cafeteria... she went insane. There was always a banana hidden around the class room. On the chalk board, in the drinking fountain, in my bag... She even put a stamp on one and tried to mail it to me.




And she even tried to bring one to Canada.

He traveled with us from Provo, to Salt Lake, to Minneapolis. But the poor little guy didn't make it through customs.



But when I got to Canada, guess what I found in the back of the car I was assigned? I don't know how he did it, but MTC Banana made it to Canada. Good for him. He finally made it to the field. And he is one of the best missionaries I know.